My eleventh graders told me that they didn’t think they should have to finish their essays by Monday because the world was going to end on Saturday.
I told them to finish the paper just in case the world didn’t end on Saturday. Just in case. And hey, if it did end then the last thoughts they would have would be about Maya Angelou. Nice way to go. Of course the last thoughts might be a bit of profanity with my name attached to it too. I told them it was a risk I was willing to take.
Then I started thinking about all of the things I really didn’t need to do in case the world did end on Saturday. Hmmm…I probably don’t need to return my DVDs, pay any bills nor go grocery shopping until Sunday. Then again if it’s an earthquake and not everyone dies, it would be good to have some granola bars and turkey bacon around in case we get hungry. Although, the radiation from all of the nuclear reactors tipping over after the earthquakes will turn us into zombies anyway. We all know that will happen and ya never know what your tastes will be as a zombie. Do you? One day you may want brains for breakfast and then the next you may want a nice chocolate chip granola bar from Trader Joes. It’s nice to have the option. Of course I’m not sure what my vegan friends will do if they become zombies. I am sure there is no soy substitute for brains. Vegan vampires must have the same issue…
So what else don’t I need to do now…I guess I could cancel my doctor appointments? Won’t really need a stress test now, huh? I can put off doing laundry, emptying the dishwasher and cleaning out the cat box. If Henry survives, I am sure he will be happy to become an outdoor cat. I’m sure he’ll become a zombie at some point too so I guess I should let him sleep next to me and scratch his belly a little more so he won’t exact revenge on my brains.
I should probably have some cash on hand, line my roof with lead and maybe put more gas in my car before the gas rationing begins. I think Mel Gibson doesn’t live too far from me but I think he is too old to be a true road warrior any more. Plus, he really hasn’t had the cute Australian accent since the 80’s. Although it sounds like he would be great to have on my side in a street fight nowadays.
Seriously, I am starting to realize I may have watched way too many apocalyptic and horror movies in high school and college and well, last week, and they may have affected my judgment about Saturday’s possible catastrophic events.
Let’s look at this from a positive and pragmatic approach. Perhaps I am just super prepared now. Hey, if aliens attack, I am so not going near the green light no matter how pretty it is and how safe the president thinks we are. Same with toxic waste (don’t go near a swamp), comets (lead lined potting shed will keep you safe), large alien worms that live underground (stay far away from Kevin Bacon), and axe wielding maniacs (don’t offer to babysit). I am ready; bring it on.
However, I don't think it is a good idea to surprise anyone by telling them I have feelings for them. Love or hate feelings. Either way, probably not a really good idea. Ya know, just in case. But if we do implode or explode on Saturday…you know who you are…or do you? It really wouldn't matter anyway. We'll all be zombies or dead. Like I'm going to be embarrassed if I run into them in the afterlife or feel badly about eating their brains or granola bars. Seriously, now that would just be silly.
Oh hey! I just thought of one more thing. I wouldn’t have to pay back my student loans either! Cool.
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