Thursday, December 30, 2010

Snarky or just damn cute?

I probably won’t do this bloggy thing every night, but hey, I am on vacation for a few more days, and I have no papers to grade. I have to do something to amuse myself. Right now, to amuse myself, I have five children in my living room. Yes, only two are mine. All of them are on different electronic devices, ignoring Beauty and the Beast as I count down the minutes until there are only two children here and both of them are fast asleep.

So, anyway, back to me…

My fabulous gender-nonspecific cousin recommended that I try Okcupid as my next dating site. Hell, its free so why not. (not that I have started dating anyone yet, I am still shopping)(man, I love shopping)
The questions they ask are…interesting. The profile settings are also…interesting. On what you are looking for in a mate, it asked, “short term or long term” Apparently, I am looking for parking as well. It also asked if I was looking for casual sex. Hmmm… I could have sworn the 80’s were over…

I am probably spending way too much time on dating websites. But my cat, Henry, thinks I may be bored. He is lying on my desk right now wondering why humans sit and type so often. He is neutered, so he really doesn’t care whom I date, as long as I continue to feed him. Although I do feel some judgment in his meows from the last guy I dated. He was a dog person. Henry could smell it on him. He is also getting fat and that is totally my fault. The cat, not the guy.
After I filled out my profile for OKcupid, I was matched with 4 guys. None of which I would date if the world was covered with ice and they knew how to make fire. Really? That’s what you have for me? One 60 year old, two fat guys with no sense of humor and a recovered heroin addict who was looking for love in all of the wrong places? I am not feeling real pretty right now.

So, I rechecked my profile, made some changes and this is what I came up with. You decide: (yes, I borrowed the first line from my facebook profile. So sue me.)

"I am a sarcastic pain in the ass with too many shoes, have red flames on my minivan and a song in my heart. I'm low maintenance, love to cook and my favorite color is pink. If you are trying to figure out if I am serious, then let me know.
I try diligently to not take life too seriously although I do take my responsibilities seriously (because no one else does).
Single mom but not single minded.
I'm not too sure if I want marriage again because I do enjoy sleeping in the middle of my bed. (And no, that is not a ploy for dating purposes)
I guess just for now, I want to go to dinner and movies with you,(movies that don't have talking animals in them), hang out at the Hollywood Farmer's Market on Sundays with you and kick your ass in Backgammon. I want a man who is secure enough in himself to laugh at himself. I don't actually want to have to explain my jokes (it takes the fun out of it). Hmm...Someone who is healthy, works out, but drinks wine and is NOT a vegetarian. Someone who can express himself emotionally and intellectually and well, other...ways.
Just please no Jack Daniels drinkers
nor wake-and-bakes. There is only so much one woman can take. Seriously, I need to be up by 5am...
I think that's it. Do you guys actually read these things or just look at the pictures to try to figure out if my breasts are real?"

Well, that is the first part; I won’t get into the 300 questions they would like me to answer. Get back to me on this, won’t you? Seriously, the matches they sent me. Yikes. I did search a bit and some were not…too bad. Most were so…blah. I’m sure I just need to keep digging. I mean shopping. Although, two guys used the term “snarky” to describe themselves. There were a few wonderfully sardonic explanations of selves. Could they actually be as cool as me? Would I want them to be as cool as me? Wait, am I cool? Probably not, but I like to think so anyway. As my students would say, “Ms. Levine, you just fly like a G6”. Actually, I said that once to one of my 11th grade English classes and they laughed really, really hard. But I have a feeling they were not exactly laughing with me. Maybe near me? I mean, it’s funny when you say it like the white-Jew-broad-from-Minnesota that I am, but after they finally stopped laughing, I began to wonder two things: 1) am I just not cool? 2) why am I letting my 16 year old students judge me?

Okay, the next step is actually messaging one of these people. I absolutely refuse to “wink” at them. That just seems so, I don’t know, just…am I really suppose to wink at perfect strangers online? Why does that seem like such an uncharacteristic thing for me to partake in? Is winking thing supposed to be snarky or just cute and playful? Does it mean I should have pushed the “casual sex” button or am I just way too freakin’ old and un-cool to be doing this? I know I am not even remotely a prude and yet I find it weird to wink at men I have never met, off or online. This is so stupid. It’s not like they know where I live or have seen my car. Well, I do have the only red-flamed minivan in the world, but still. I need to sleep on this odd decision. To wink or not to wink. That is the question.

Seriously, I bet Hamlet never winked at Ophelia.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Just so you know. For next time...

Things men shouldn’t put on their match.com profile for prospective babes:

1. Close ups of your face. Like, really, really close up, where you can see your nose hair. If I want to see you THAT up close and personal, let me make that choice, please. No one is that attractive that close-up in a phone-snapped-picture from your bathroom mirror. Let someone else take the picture. As a matter of fact, let someone else choose the picture. If you think you look attractive from some bizarre angle, I am guessing you would like to see me from super bizarre angle. That is neither good nor bad, but just sayin’…

2. Pictures of other women with your arms around them. There was one guy, where every picture was with another girl. Now, he could have come from a large catholic family where he had 12 sisters and his mom was really, really tired, but I think it was just this “hey, look at all of the babes that want me” kind of a thing. Seriously.

3. Pictures of you drinking when in your profile you state that you “drink socially”. To be more clear: there is a beer in every picture of you. Hmmm…that just means that you have bad beer breath and a lot of gas from all of the lager you seem to enjoy.

4. Pictures of other people’s children. Now this one just kinda sceeves me out. If you don’t have children, don’t use other people’s children to pick up babes. We don’t care that you know children. Having other people’s children in your pictures does not make you a child-friendly kinda guy. It actually scares the mommies.

5. “Awesome Lover”. Even if you are kidding, just, really, don’t. Especially when you are 60 and in a sleeve-less shirt that says “hang ten” on it.

6. Pictures of yourself on the phone or texting. Why? Seriously, why? Although my favorite was this guy texting underwater in scuba gear.

7. “Looking for the real thing”. I….just…really?

8. “I cook and clean”. But will you do that at my house?

9. “Awesome”. In any context, unless you have children and have seen Kung Fu Panda way too many times, or you are looking at something majestic, like the freakin’ Grand Canyon; stop using the word "awesome" to describe you, your delts or your car.

10.Um, so just so YOU know, if you wear sunglasses, we can't see your eyes. Most women think they can see everything in your eyes (yep, like your soul...) so if they are covered up then we think you are hiding something. I know, it just seems so unfair. No, to you. No, really.

Alright, so technically, I haven’t joined yet. Although it says I have 15 emails waiting for me. I think it’s a ploy to get me to join. You can’t check your emails unless you join.

The prospective candidates who “winked” at me (and when they do wink, do they smirk, nod and say “hubba hubba”?) are all, um, how shall I put this, um…not my cup of tea. There are just some people who should not take pictures of themselves in sleeveless shirts unless they wax. Plus, what is the deal with all of the 24 year olds winking at me? Seriously? Although…

Maybe I’ll join tomorrow. There was a VIP email for me. Although why this guy is more VI than all of the other P’s who have emailed me, not sure. Intrigued by the pretentiousness of THAT. Nothing says, “Pick me!” like the super neato-ness of a VIP. I bet he has like, a really cool car and never has to wait in line at all of the hot clubs in LA. (ok, by now, I shouldn’t have to use the sarcasm quotes)

Funny, that crap used to impress me when I was in my 20’s. Now? Putting the toilet seat down impresses me.

Seriously, I need to get out more…

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

ya never know, bring a sweater.

So, last night I filled out the most sarcastic profile I could muster and stuck it on match.com. I haven't actually signed up for the whole smegeggie of a deal yet. I am not sure if this is worth $20 per month. Sometimes I think finding a matchmaker should be done the way it used to be done; back in the old days. What I really need is a Yenta Matchmaker, but my grandma died this summer. I really miss her. Although, Sylvia's best piece of advice shall live on within me. She used to say, "ya never know, bring a sweater." I took it as it's figurative meaning of, ya know, be prepared, don't be afraid to try things, the world may take you to wonderful places so be ready for anything,etc. Although she might have just been chilly.

Back in the day, oh waaaayyy back when, I answered one personal ad from the classifieds. The entire date lasted 40 minutes because aside from him telling me he was afraid of his radio; he looked like Emo Williams. Yep, I thought 40 minutes was generous.

I seem to only be dating recycled men these days. Although that may sound environmentally wonderful, dating men from your past makes you only realize why you stopped dating them in the first place. I keep getting the "why and how did I/could I ever have let you go" crap. Um, because you were a silly boy who wasn't ready for my awesomeness? Hmm? Maybe? I have realized, or rather my mom told me, I need to actually date people who I haven't actually met yet. Of course that does open it up to the occasional serial killer and radiophobic comedian look-a-like, but it should make for "some fun stories" (note: the quotation marks are actually "sarcasm quotation marks". This should increase the understanding of "me" and how I speak. This is for those of you who don't know me yet or do know me and are already frightened of me.).

So, I'm not going to do the whole "this is my life" and blah blah blah; I don't feel the need to go into too much detail about how I moved to LA when I was 20 to be a movie star, dated what seemed to be the same 5 men/guys/boys over and over and over again, married a complete butthead, had two children that completely take after me, divorced the complete butthead, went back to grad school, and invited way too many people to her stupid New Years Eve party this Friday. Seriously, every stupid family said they couldn't come this year and now, they all are calling and emailing me saying how delighted they are to join us for freakin' New Years. Crap. How I am going to fit 40 people into my tiny townhouse is beyond me. It just better not rain. I need to order more pizza. Crap.

So, yep,hmmm...I guess this will chronicle my life? My dating life? My life as a "circus performer"? Perhaps, I don't know. Wherever the wind takes me, I guess. Seriously, we'll just have to see. Whatever falls out of my pretty little head. (Maybe I should have used sarcasm quotes there too.)

Seriously...I guess I should just bring my sweater.