Snarky or just damn cute?

I probably won’t do this bloggy thing every night, but hey, I am on vacation for a few more days, and I have no papers to grade. I have to do something to amuse myself. Right now, to amuse myself, I have five children in my living room. Yes, only two are mine. All of them are on different electronic devices, ignoring Beauty and the Beast as I count down the minutes until there are only two children here and both of them are fast asleep.

So, anyway, back to me…

My fabulous gender-nonspecific cousin recommended that I try Okcupid as my next dating site. Hell, its free so why not. (not that I have started dating anyone yet, I am still shopping)(man, I love shopping)
The questions they ask are…interesting. The profile settings are also…interesting. On what you are looking for in a mate, it asked, “short term or long term” Apparently, I am looking for parking as well. It also asked if I was looking for casual sex. Hmmm… I could have sworn the 80’s were over…

I am probably spending way too much time on dating websites. But my cat, Henry, thinks I may be bored. He is lying on my desk right now wondering why humans sit and type so often. He is neutered, so he really doesn’t care whom I date, as long as I continue to feed him. Although I do feel some judgment in his meows from the last guy I dated. He was a dog person. Henry could smell it on him. He is also getting fat and that is totally my fault. The cat, not the guy.
After I filled out my profile for OKcupid, I was matched with 4 guys. None of which I would date if the world was covered with ice and they knew how to make fire. Really? That’s what you have for me? One 60 year old, two fat guys with no sense of humor and a recovered heroin addict who was looking for love in all of the wrong places? I am not feeling real pretty right now.

So, I rechecked my profile, made some changes and this is what I came up with. You decide: (yes, I borrowed the first line from my facebook profile. So sue me.)

"I am a sarcastic pain in the ass with too many shoes, have red flames on my minivan and a song in my heart. I'm low maintenance, love to cook and my favorite color is pink. If you are trying to figure out if I am serious, then let me know.
I try diligently to not take life too seriously although I do take my responsibilities seriously (because no one else does).
Single mom but not single minded.
I'm not too sure if I want marriage again because I do enjoy sleeping in the middle of my bed. (And no, that is not a ploy for dating purposes)
I guess just for now, I want to go to dinner and movies with you,(movies that don't have talking animals in them), hang out at the Hollywood Farmer's Market on Sundays with you and kick your ass in Backgammon. I want a man who is secure enough in himself to laugh at himself. I don't actually want to have to explain my jokes (it takes the fun out of it). Hmm...Someone who is healthy, works out, but drinks wine and is NOT a vegetarian. Someone who can express himself emotionally and intellectually and well, other...ways.
Just please no Jack Daniels drinkers
nor wake-and-bakes. There is only so much one woman can take. Seriously, I need to be up by 5am...
I think that's it. Do you guys actually read these things or just look at the pictures to try to figure out if my breasts are real?"

Well, that is the first part; I won’t get into the 300 questions they would like me to answer. Get back to me on this, won’t you? Seriously, the matches they sent me. Yikes. I did search a bit and some were not…too bad. Most were so…blah. I’m sure I just need to keep digging. I mean shopping. Although, two guys used the term “snarky” to describe themselves. There were a few wonderfully sardonic explanations of selves. Could they actually be as cool as me? Would I want them to be as cool as me? Wait, am I cool? Probably not, but I like to think so anyway. As my students would say, “Ms. Levine, you just fly like a G6”. Actually, I said that once to one of my 11th grade English classes and they laughed really, really hard. But I have a feeling they were not exactly laughing with me. Maybe near me? I mean, it’s funny when you say it like the white-Jew-broad-from-Minnesota that I am, but after they finally stopped laughing, I began to wonder two things: 1) am I just not cool? 2) why am I letting my 16 year old students judge me?

Okay, the next step is actually messaging one of these people. I absolutely refuse to “wink” at them. That just seems so, I don’t know, just…am I really suppose to wink at perfect strangers online? Why does that seem like such an uncharacteristic thing for me to partake in? Is winking thing supposed to be snarky or just cute and playful? Does it mean I should have pushed the “casual sex” button or am I just way too freakin’ old and un-cool to be doing this? I know I am not even remotely a prude and yet I find it weird to wink at men I have never met, off or online. This is so stupid. It’s not like they know where I live or have seen my car. Well, I do have the only red-flamed minivan in the world, but still. I need to sleep on this odd decision. To wink or not to wink. That is the question.

Seriously, I bet Hamlet never winked at Ophelia.