Just so you know. For next time...

Things men shouldn’t put on their match.com profile for prospective babes:

1. Close ups of your face. Like, really, really close up, where you can see your nose hair. If I want to see you THAT up close and personal, let me make that choice, please. No one is that attractive that close-up in a phone-snapped-picture from your bathroom mirror. Let someone else take the picture. As a matter of fact, let someone else choose the picture. If you think you look attractive from some bizarre angle, I am guessing you would like to see me from super bizarre angle. That is neither good nor bad, but just sayin’…

2. Pictures of other women with your arms around them. There was one guy, where every picture was with another girl. Now, he could have come from a large catholic family where he had 12 sisters and his mom was really, really tired, but I think it was just this “hey, look at all of the babes that want me” kind of a thing. Seriously.

3. Pictures of you drinking when in your profile you state that you “drink socially”. To be more clear: there is a beer in every picture of you. Hmmm…that just means that you have bad beer breath and a lot of gas from all of the lager you seem to enjoy.

4. Pictures of other people’s children. Now this one just kinda sceeves me out. If you don’t have children, don’t use other people’s children to pick up babes. We don’t care that you know children. Having other people’s children in your pictures does not make you a child-friendly kinda guy. It actually scares the mommies.

5. “Awesome Lover”. Even if you are kidding, just, really, don’t. Especially when you are 60 and in a sleeve-less shirt that says “hang ten” on it.

6. Pictures of yourself on the phone or texting. Why? Seriously, why? Although my favorite was this guy texting underwater in scuba gear.

7. “Looking for the real thing”. I….just…really?

8. “I cook and clean”. But will you do that at my house?

9. “Awesome”. In any context, unless you have children and have seen Kung Fu Panda way too many times, or you are looking at something majestic, like the freakin’ Grand Canyon; stop using the word "awesome" to describe you, your delts or your car.

10.Um, so just so YOU know, if you wear sunglasses, we can't see your eyes. Most women think they can see everything in your eyes (yep, like your soul...) so if they are covered up then we think you are hiding something. I know, it just seems so unfair. No, to you. No, really.

Alright, so technically, I haven’t joined yet. Although it says I have 15 emails waiting for me. I think it’s a ploy to get me to join. You can’t check your emails unless you join.

The prospective candidates who “winked” at me (and when they do wink, do they smirk, nod and say “hubba hubba”?) are all, um, how shall I put this, um…not my cup of tea. There are just some people who should not take pictures of themselves in sleeveless shirts unless they wax. Plus, what is the deal with all of the 24 year olds winking at me? Seriously? Although…

Maybe I’ll join tomorrow. There was a VIP email for me. Although why this guy is more VI than all of the other P’s who have emailed me, not sure. Intrigued by the pretentiousness of THAT. Nothing says, “Pick me!” like the super neato-ness of a VIP. I bet he has like, a really cool car and never has to wait in line at all of the hot clubs in LA. (ok, by now, I shouldn’t have to use the sarcasm quotes)

Funny, that crap used to impress me when I was in my 20’s. Now? Putting the toilet seat down impresses me.

Seriously, I need to get out more…