Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, in a city of pretention and really good shoes, lived a princess. A lovely and sarcastic princess who just wanted to be happy. One day, in her youth, she was cruising the clearance rack at Loehmann’s when she came a across a beautiful Mark Jacobs skirt marked down 99% off the original price. As she reached for the skirt, another person had reached for it as well. The other person was a wicked witch with a propensity for designer skirts. The lovely and sarcastic princess tried to persuade the wicked witch by using her charm and wit, to let her buy the skirt because after all she was a princess. Alas, the wicked witch said no and seemed quite pissed off by the request; so pissed off in fact, the wicked witch cursed the lovely and sarcastic princess with a dastardly curse.

“You will never be able to choose the right man!” She cackled. “You will be happy in life but never in love! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

And with a puff of crimson smoke she was gone, taking the damn Mark Jacobs skirt with her.

“What the hell was that?” wondered the lovely and sarcastic princess. But she shrugged it off when she found a Prada sweater for 114% off the original price (birthday discount), and went on her merry way.

Several years later, the lovely and sarcastic princess met a handsome prince who swept her off of her feet and dazzled her with his Hollywood connections and his snappy dressing. The handsome prince proposed to her on their very first date. It was love at first sight, just like in fairy tales. Um, wait…this is a fairy—oh never mind.

Anyway, they married quickly in a whirlwind and she thought to herself, “Hah! That stupid wicked witch was wrong! I have found the right man; someone who will love me and take care of me and never hurt me.”

However, little did she know that the handsome prince was under a curse as well. The moment he kissed the lovely and sarcastic princess he turned into an evil troll who would make her life miserable. She was bound to him by love and commitment and knew if they could only go to princess/troll therapy then maybe just maybe they could make it work.

Nevertheless the evil troll would not go to princess/troll therapy and after a decade of trying to make her ridiculous marriage work, the lovely and sarcastic princess finally grabbed the two princes she and the troll had created (who thank goodness took after her in the looks department) and hopped into the royal sarcastic princess-mobile and left the evil troll for good.

However, as we all know, evil trolls have a tendency to hold on to things they don’t want to let go of. They like to lie and cheat and steal as trolls often do to make their lovely and sarcastic princesses come back to them.

The lovely and sarcastic princess and the evil troll would have epic battles for the next three years and the princess would win every time because she had good and right on her side and the troll, well, he was a troll so ya know…trolls are just icky.

Then one day, there was a battle of epic proportion and there was a chance the lovely and sarcastic princess might be beaten by the evil troll. She fought with right on her side and he fought with lies and deceit on his. She was frightened, as the battle took place in the darkest part of the forest and she was all alone. The battle was challenging as the troll fought cruelly and callously. Just as the lovely and sarcastic princess thought she was defeated, a light appeared in the forest and a magical adjudicator appeared out of nowhere. The magical adjudicator listened to both sides of the battle and with his supreme knowledge and benevolence he ordered the evil troll away to be banished forever and ever and ever.

At last the lovely and sarcastic princess had won fair and square and had been validated along the way for she knew in her heart that good and right would always win out over a big stupid-assed troll who only thought of himself.

The lovely and sarcastic princess went on to achieve greatness and was a great princess mommy and her little princes grew up to NOT be trolls but to be benevolent themselves and very successful doctors specializing in therapeutic plastic surgery for trolls in exile.

The lovely and sarcastic princess went on to date several more trolls as well as some insurance salesmen, an editor or two, some actors and even a cable guy; but decided she didn't really want to be married again. Being happy with her two little princes and happy within herself was enough for her. Well, most days.

The lovely and sarcastic princess realized the wicked witch's curse wasn't so bad after all. She was absolutely fine not being happy in love as long as she was happy in life. And ya know what? She was.

And as long as she had a handsome knight to play with once and awhile, and she could pretend to be a damsel in distress and be “rescued” once every few weeks, she would be just fine.

And yes, the lovely and sarcastic princess is totally living happily ever after.