Red Flags

Sometimes I wish I was on that show Lost in Space just so I could have one of those huge waggly-armed robots yelling “Warning! Warning! Danger Will Robinson!” (Well, in my case, Mrs. Robinson…hehehe). Now, Lost in Space is not unlike being lost in LA. When I first moved to Los Angeles, 174 years ago, we didn’t have GPS devices or cell phones or any other handy gadgets that made it easier to find your way. No MapQuest or Google either. (Crap, I feel old right now). We did, however, have Thomas Guides. They were the big map books we all used to find our way. Literally, not metaphorically. If you think texting and driving is dangerous you have no idea how perilous it was to drive around with a big fat map on your lap. Back in the early 90’s, I got lost everywhere I went. Seriously, I never went anywhere new without making at least three u-turns. On the positive side, it did help me find really cool and interesting parts of Los Angeles I never would have found had I not gotten lost; like Larchmont Village, Santee Alley and Watts. The latter was a bit more frightening than the prior. And mom, if you are reading this, I was perfectly safe the whole time. In Larchmont…

By the way, when I am speaking of Lost in Space, I am referring to the show in the 1960’s and not the pathetic remake movie of the 1990’s. I was not old enough to appreciate the original shows on television but hey, that was what college was for. That and learning all of “the warnings”. Ya know what I mean by “the warnings”; the red flags that pop up about potential relationships. Actually, that was what my twenty’s were for. Ummm…maybe my forties too…

I wrote a blog called "Oh, that's right, you already said that", about people telling you exactly who they are when they first meet you and you just get to choose if you want to believe them or ignore them because they are really cute and look good in jeans. But with this whole on-line dating thing, before you meet the guy, there are things you should be aware of. There are things they are telling you after you have messaged back and forth for a few weeks and now have moved onto phone conversations.

A very wise friend of mine who is a teacher at my school told me a wonderfully physiological theory the other day. Although men are built with more physical strength women are built with intuition to help us to find the right man. Of course, once again, whether or not you chose to listen to your instincts is up to you. I think of it this way: when we are mothers, we know instinctively when our children are sick, have hurt themselves or are hiding under our desks eating the cookies we just baked when we told them they couldn’t have anymore cookies until they ate at least one vegetable. We instinctively know when there is a clearance sale at Loehmans or DSW. Of course that just might be my DNA from my mother’s side. We even sometimes know when there is a booger in our noses when we are talking to a cute guy. Okay, that last one is more paranoia, but I think you have gleaned a point here.

The red flags however, how do we know if they are warnings or just paranoia?
Let’s just make a list of all of the flags, red or other hues, that made me go “Umm…wait” and you be the judge.

1. He does not text. At all. Actually is some strange Luddite who barely uses his cell phone because he thinks the world is a better place without technology. Yet drives a Lexus with a GPS. Hypocrite with technology, hypocrite in other places?

2. He only texts. Hates talking on the phone. Is that being guarded or being a multi-tasker?

3. He only emails. I understand the whole not wanting to give out a number due to, serial killers and identity thefts and Amway salesmen, but come on. Plus, all of my emails come to my Blackberry. That way he can always get ahold of me...

4. He texts six times before you ever have a chance to respond. Yep, too needy.

5. He texts after it is very, very, very clear there is no connection whatsoever just to ask if you have changed your mind. Twelve times. (That’s not really a red flag, its more of an amusing anecdote. Seriously, twelve times. TWELVE TIMES. And by the way, I stopped responding after the fifth text then he was just texting to himself. Hmm…that is like a Billy Idol song revamped. Oh-oh-oh-oh.) (Did anyone get that joke?)

6. He immediately asks about your children. Yep, that one just makes me run screaming the other way. I appreciate the interest, but it kind of skeeves me out. Again, be careful not to scare the single mommy.

7. He apologizes for everything with overly detailed explanations and uses the phrase, “But honestly” a bit too much. And this is before we have met.

8. He talks about the women he has slept with. Like I am going to ask for references or something.

9. He thinks my schedule does not accommodate him. Well, duh.

10. He wonders, in written form, if I will ever put him first because I have children. Again, well, duh.

So, there you have it. You can guess which red flags I chose to ignore and which I acknowledged, appreciated and listened to.

Seriously, once you get out of high school, you don’t get a guidance counselor to guide you; unless you get a licensed and qualified therapist but really, I have no time for my much needed therapy right now. I only have my overly-analytical-paranoid-in-much-need-of-a-longer-spring-break-mind as well as my brood of fabulous friends (yes, this includes my sister) to guide me and let’s face it, I don’t listen them as much as I should either.

I have noticed that the people I seem to listen to the most and actually learn from the most lately are a select group of female students who have taken to confiding in me about their love lives. I find myself giving them advice about boys and then listening to what I am actually saying to them and realizing I need to take the advice I am giving. Crap, this stuff does not change. Men, boys, guys, idiots, etc, do not seem to change much with age. Maybe now they shave more and have mortgages but really, they don’t change much in any other department.

Or maybe its women don’t change…

Hmmm…