Oh, that’s right, you already said that…

There is this quote I recently heard, “People will tell you who they are when you first meet them, but we ignore it." The thing is it is totally true. If you listen closely enough, the first time you hang out with a person, you will know everything you need to know about them. Good or bad. Well, that is, most of the time…

Let’s start from the beginning. During the first week of school, I have my students do a short assignment called, “Five things you want Ms Levine to know about you”. They tell me things like, “I am shy please don’t call on me in class.” and “I like the Jonas Brothers but can’t tell my friends because they will think I am gay.” and, my personal favorite, “I don’t like English class so don’t expect me to actually read any of the books you assign.” To that one, I like to respond with, “Then don’t expect me to actually pass you.”

Essentially, the students mean what they say. I do fight to change the ones who don’t wish to talk or read, etc. However, as the year progresses it really is “this is who I am and you should know that because I already told you”. I also do the assignment too. It usually includes the following:

1. I have two children whom I talk about way too much, but you have to listen to me and laugh at my jokes because I am grading you.
2. I am usually overly caffeinated but that is a good thing.
3. I take things personally; like when you don’t do the homework I assign and you make me fail you by not doing the homework I assign.
4. I am probably the most sarcastic teacher you will ever have.
5. I actually like teaching and if you bring me Starbursts, I may give you extra credit.

I’m telling them all they need to know about me as well as the rules of my class. Yet, they are always surprised when they are not allowed to turn in late work five weeks after it is due. Hmmm…seriously look at the damn syllabus you and your parents, please.

Listening…yep, we all need to do that more. Including me.

With dating (yeah, you knew that was coming) it is extremely important to listen, especially on the first encounter. That first meeting, in the you-tell-me-yours-and-I’ll-tell-you-mine portion of the evening; a man will tell you EXACTLY who he is but we, as women, are rarely listening because all we are thinking about is holding our damn stomachs in and hoping there is not a booger in our noses. We try to listen but we are very busy trying to project fabulousness. We want to be perfect and wonderful on the first few dates (because the real "us" scares the crap out of us) so we don’t actually project the real image of ourselves. It’s more like the CGI version of us. Special effects such as lip gloss, a push up bra, and really good jeans help make us who we would like to be on the first few dates. But let’s face it; they aren’t listening to us either because they too are focused on our push up bras and really good jeans. The lip gloss works nicely too.

Men do it too. Well, hopefully not the push up bra, but the right pair of jeans on a cute guy, just yum, ya know…um, where was I? Oh yeah, things we should listen to.

One guy once told me, “ya know, I’m a real asshole sometimes.” Why was I even remotely confused when he actually was one to me? “I’m not looking for something serious right now.” You want sex, we get it. (Or maybe you would prefer a comedic relationship.) It’s the big things we don’t listen to. Or rather chose not to hear. The little things? Hah! Forget it. It’s not like he is going to say he has no idea how to refill ice cube trays or can’t change the toilet paper or has no idea where you keep the trash bags in the kitchen. Those are just things as older and wiser females we just come to expect. Naturally, we know they will leave their socks nowhere near the hamper because that is just a male thing (my boys already do that). They have no aim, they have stinky feet and are not ashamed of their gas, and well, again, there are just things we women inherently know about men.

I have given up on the projected image of me because I no longer have the tolerance or fortitude to play the silly dating games. Plus, my hair never comes out right when I use CGI.

Anyway, I don’t like playing by “the rules” anymore because they are stupid and energy-sucking and I have no patience for them anyway. I want serenity, damn it, in my dating life. Don’t play games with me and actually listen to what I am telling you. I will then try to do the same for you. If I want to call you after the first date, I’m gonna. If I don’t want to see you again, well, um, well…I will make up a nice story about having to go into the witness relocation program and if you run into me at Trader Joes, to please call me Barbara. I’m honest, just not painfully honest.

Ya see, my on line profile is as honest as it comes. I put it right out there in the first line of the thing, “I am a sarcastic pain in the ass with too many shoes…” Now on that day when I am actually am a pain in the ass, don’t say you weren’t warned. And please, do not mock the wall o’ shoes in my bedroom.

The sentence continues with “…and I have red flames on my mini-van.” I don’t quite understand why people think I am using that as a euphemism for saying I think I am hot. Seriously, I have enormous red flames. On my car. And even though I have these enormous red flames, I can never seem to find my car in The Whole Foods parking lot. Usually Dash spots it, but that’s why he gets an allowance.

You should also know and be warned: there are things people say but don’t actually mean. These are called "codes". Learn ‘em.

“I’m not typical” means you totally are. “I am drama free” means you totally aren’t. A woman says she doesn’t want a commitment, it means she wants to get married in two years. A guy says he doesn’t want a commitment; it means he wants to have sex in two dates. Learn the codes, people. Saves time and energy and lip gloss.

Let’s practice some codes, shall we? If I say, “All I really want is someone to come home to” I mean….Yes! That’s right! It means, we are going to my house to hang out because your house smells like cilantro. Let’s try another one. If a guy says, “I’ll call you”, it means…That’s correct! It means you actually did have a booger in your nose. The whole freakin night. Very good. If he says, “I’ll call you tomorrow” it means two business days. If he says, “You look great in that skirt” it means, “I can totally see your undies through it and thank you”.

See? It’s very easy to decode people. Alright, Bonus Question: if a guy says “I love you” on the very first date it means to run really, really fast, far away or you will end up married with two kids and writing blogs about dating twelve years later.

Okay, that’s the bell. Have a nice day.