Justifying my rationalizations

I find that I rationalize and justify most of the choices in my life. Sometimes if you sit near me while I am making a difficult decision, you can hear my mind whirring and spinning like one of Rube Goldberg's Inventions. I think, why should I? Why shouldn’t I? How could I? How couldn’t I? And it goes on from there. Then I rationalize my best and do what I want to do. Yep, seems to work for me. Well, most of the time.

If there are shoes on sale, that are say 60% off, it’s really a no-brainer. Let’s face it, shoes make me happy. There! Rationalized and purchased. Cute boys that I should just wait until they call or text me first…naw. Life is short. I have very little free time. I wanna. Done! Justified and texted. Yes, other life choices are more difficult and some more mundane but I find when I use the word “organic” in front of some of them or just preface the crap out of a choice or just go to the gym the next day; that seems to work for me. Because let’s face it, we only justify stuff to make ourselves feel better. And we all do it.

My five year old son, Dash, has strep throat right now. He is asleep in my bed tonight and his brother is at their dad’s house. I just could not justify bringing him to his dad's and not being with him until there was no fever and he was slightly less contagious then yesterday. Saturday night is the night I have without my kids. Yes, tonight was supposed to be my grown-up-non-mom-night where I get to do grown-up-non-mom-stuff that does not involve the phrase, “stop touching that” or “please stop tormenting the cat”. Well, if it’s kinda a crappy date, the first phrase might be used…

Anyway, the mom-gene kicked in and thus an afternoon of sniffles, swollen glands, art projects and Xbox commenced. By the way, I totally suck at video games. I’m not sure if it is just because I’m a girl or just because I seem to have absolutely no hand-eye-coordination; but seriously, I kept driving off the road in the Cars game and kept being eaten by crocodiles in the Lego Indiana Jones game. I could rationalize my non-skill by saying that in the 1970’s the first video game I played was Pong. Ya know the one that had two little lines and a little square you hit back and forth between you and your sister while trash talking really slowly because it took forever for the little square to actually be hit back and forth? Blip……..bloop……..blip……..bloop bloop……..blip. I think I fell asleep once while playing it. Perhaps, just perhaps, my eye-hand coordination just never progressed passed Pong. Sad really.

As I was saying, Saturday night is usually my one night away from my boys; which always seems bittersweet and although it might be yummy as chocolate, bittersweet is more bitter than sweet. I do need that night to recharge my batteries, get some actual sleep and have a conversation that does not revolve around Legos. Part of me felt like a horrible mother for being disappointed in not getting to go to a grownup movie and out to dinner. But I can justify my horrible selfish mom feeling: The past two weekends, I have had my kids on Saturday night. So really the only free time I have had is being stuck in traffic while driving to work. It’s much further than my regular teaching gig. On Thursday, it took me an hour to get home. I love LA. So, I guess I will just make the stuck-in-traffic-time my down time. Crap. Ya see, with Dash getting sick and this new arduous schedule of summer school waaaaaaaay out in San Gabriel, and some other stress not worth mentioning I think I really did need a night to myself. I can justify that by saying that when I get some time to myself I am a better and more patient mom the next day when I get my kids back. It’s sort of like the yellow oxygen mask on an airplane. You are supposed to put it on yourself before you help the people who can’t put it on themselves. Ya know, take of yourself so you are able to take care of others. So, now that Dash’s fever seems to have broken and the antibiotics have kicked in, I’m thinking…a good work out, a steam and a mani-pedi and I will be as good as new. Ready to be there for my munchkins. Mani-pedi. Oxygen mask. Same diff. Yes, I have some time to myself tomorrow. I think an afternoon reading poolside while feeling bloated in my bikini is the way for me to go. I don’t have to justify that one. Do I?

Because Dash was sick, there was a Target trip involved this morning after our doctor visit. And let me tell you, I can totally justify the amount of money I spent at Target based on the idea that we needed cool art projects to do today cuz the little strep-kid wasn’t allowed out of the house today. No contact with other kids. So a pirate’s ship to build and some ceramic kitties and doggies to paint seemed important. Otherwise we would have watched every episode of Phineas and Ferb ever created. Not that that is a bad thing. It’s actually one of the few cartoons my kids watch that I enjoy. But after five episodes, it tends to wear down one’s soul. Of course, along with Phineas and Ferb, I was also forced to watch The Care Bears Movie. It’s like bears wrapped in sugar and dipped in honey and milk chocolate and lithium but not in a good way.

And just as a further justification on my Target shopping: I might as well just buy all the other Target stuff I need so I wouldn’t have to go back there tomorrow. Although I forgot a few things so I will be heading back there in the next day or so anyway. It wouldn’t be a week in my life without a trip to Target. I just really need to try to remember to ONLY buy the things I specifically came in to buy because that takes some serious rationalizations and justifications when that happens.

I noticed something about Dash today while our ceramic kitties and doggies where drying (mine is pink). There is this strange phenomenon which occurs when Dash is just with me and not with his seven year old brother, Max. When we watch a movie, just the two of us, he tends to pick a film that is truly age appropriate for him. He essentially gets to act like the five year old he is and doesn’t have to try to keep up with his big brother. Although The Care Bears Movie made me fall asleep in the first ten minutes, Dash was happy. I think I forced myself to fall asleep before my head exploded from the sheer cute and cuddliness of the bears. Now if we could combine the crocodiles from the Lego Indiana Jones Xbox game with the Care Bears…I would have stayed awake for that.

Dash can justify his movie choice because no one is around to dispute his choices. His brother is a mile away watching Bakugan save the universe and acting it out as he watches it. I have never seen a child move so much while watching television. He is the opposite of a couch potato. He’s more of a hot potato. Anyway, tonight Dash could just sit back and relax and enjoy being five and not once did he ask me tonight when he was going to be six. He needed no justification of movies, no rationalization of choices. He just snuggled into my arms, wiped his nose on my shirt and fell asleep dreaming of Care Bears.

There are a few things however one should never rationalize or justify. Stealing a parking spot from someone at the Whole Foods parking lot (you know who you are); cheating on a test in school; and buying condoms at the 99 Cent store. Don’t even try to justify that last one. Seriously.