The teacher is still learning…

Three years ago today I packed my children and my flaming minivan and left. I have written about it, I have bitched about it, I have toasted it, I have cried about it, I have joyfully recounted it, but ya know what? Not tonight. Tonight is purely reflection of what I am doing now and if I think I am doing it alright. Just a reflection. Like a really good mirror. Not like one of those mirrors you find in a discount department store like Ross (NOT Loehmans. Ever.) which shows every detail of cellulite and ages me twelve years, but rather a soft glowy reflection of me that I actually like. Like the pictures of me that my webcam takes. I don't mean this to sound dirty, really. My webcam takes the best pictures of me. Seriously, I have no idea why. I know longer question it, I just enjoy it. I tried an experiment once where I posed exactly the same and took a picture with my webcam, my camera and my cell phone and let me tell you, I am one hot mama on my webcam. Now, don’t get the wrong idea, I am not sexting photos of myself from my webcam. Maybe flirxting them, but definitely not sexting them. I am not a professional sports player nor a male member of congress, so really…

Anyway, I am digressing now. A reflection. What has Ms Levine learned in the last three years. Hmmm…

I can kill bugs all by myself. I can install a TV without having to flirt with the cable guy. I can host a birthday party and go way over the top and still feel good about it. I can walk around naked (when my children are not home) and not be afraid of the mirror. I can multi-task while a five year old sits on my lap. I can almost balance my checkbook. Almost. I can lesson plan, dinner plan, playdate plan, date plan and can plan a do-nothing day. I can do all of those in one day too. I can survive on four hours of sleep for an extended period of time. Although that one makes me cranky by the fourth day. I can bring home the turkey bacon; fry it up in a pan and never let you forget you’re a man...

Let’s see, what else? I can explain death and sex to children even when I don’t totally understand either of them myself. I can find the perfect way to say I care about you and yet I can never find my keys.I can make things aaaaaall better with a kiss. I can carry a sick kid while wearing three inch heels and not trip over my shoes or drop him. I can have me-time and no longer feel guilty. I can forgive others and even myself. I can make fifty cupcakes and not lose my mind. I can deal with paying a babysitter a fortune because at the end of the day I know I will be tucking my children in. I can find patience when I need to and lose my patience when I don’t want to. I can unclog a toilet. I can validate myself. I can rail at god and the universe and still know she likes me. I can do more than I ever thought I could do all by myself. And with all of this, I still cannot manage to find my stupid flaming minivan in the Whole Foods parking lot.

I am still learning, forever learning, repeating mistakes and learning from them again. I will probably make a few more mistakes. Yep, just a few more. I may make good choices for my children and silly choices for myself but it all evens out. I am realizing that I am not that big of a pain in the ass and perhaps, just perhaps am pretty great. I am also learning that even when I am not so sure of it, something or someone comes along to tell me I am pretty great. But really, when it comes down to it, there are only two people in the world who validate me more than anyone when they tell me I'm great; and they are still shorter than me.

Getting through it, making it count and making it last. Three years, lots of lessons and plenty more to come. As long as I keep learning, keep realizing my potential and stop bumping my head on things I think I should be just fine.

I think Maya Angelou said it best: “We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.”

I like bug references. But only when they don’t crawl through my windows.