The Deal Breaker

According to The Urban Dictionary, a “deal breaker” is “‘the catch’ that a particular individual cannot overlook and ultimately outweighs any redeeming quality the individual may possess or an issue within a relationship that constitutes one partner breaking up with the other.” They also defined it as “a small penis”. For example, “Hey, I thought you were into that one guy. Nope, he's sportin' a total deal breaker”. There were also two definitions which were alarmingly sexual in nature. They made me wince and say, “oh no you dint”(with a little head wiggle) when I read them so I feel no personal need to include them here. I am not a prude, seriously, but ewwwww.

I love The Urban Dictionary. Because of it, I know what the phrases "baby daddy”, “doo-doo mama”, “Allovadaflo”, “fr rl” and “text-hole” mean and yes, am a much cooler teacher for learning them. Seriously, I work in the hood and my students appreciate that I take the time to understand what the hell they are saying. Although, I have learned that sometimes I really shouldn’t ask for definitions. When I found out what a “Becky” was I think I blushed. Again, it’s not that I’m a prude, trust me, not a prude, but when a sixteen year old smart ass defines it for you, well, then yep, you blush. It’s not as if he called me one or demonstrated it during class. But just try going back to learning about transitive verbs after that. Oh, by the way a “Becky” is a girl who gives really good head. Yep, I know. In front of the whole class. Fr rl.

So, anyway, back to our regularly scheduled blog. I was discussing deal breakers with some single female friends of mine recently, while being forced to attend the stupidest singles event I have ever attended. Not that I go to these very often; in fact, this was the first one, but dear god was it pathetic and dismal. I did have a feeling it might inspire a good blog and look what I am doing right now! Hey! It was worth $26 after all!

So, this party, mixer, abysmal excuse for an evening, whatever you want to call it, was called a lock and key party (which should have had better connotations than it actually had). I remember standing there, in the middle of all of these key holders (Yes, the women carried around locks.  Oy.) and actually saying out loud how I was absolutely, positively not attracted to any of the men in the room. Notta one. My friends agreed. I brought up the idea of deal breakers to question why none of these guys were our cup of tea. I wanted to see if I was too picky or just enjoyed making fun of ill-dressed men.

Now, there are the obvious deal breakers out there, such as wearing sox with sandals, comb-overs and wearing too much cologne. Oh dear god, that last one is just…so…dear god, I hate cologne. There is this guy at my gym; I like to refer to him as Mr. Patchouli Stank. Seriously, it’s like a wall of patchouli has hit you. And hit you hard. I will actually get off the treadmill if he gets on the one next to me; it is that disgusting. Patchouli isn’t a good smell in small doses but that much could actually kill a person. Here’s a good rule for cologne and perfume: If you can smell yourself, then it’s too much. Seriously, the less is more rule is a good one here. I don’t know why men wear cologne anyway. That nice natural man-smell is more than enough. Your pheromones do quite nicely all on their own.

So, smell bad, bad hair or bad shoe-sock combos, all deal breakers. People who don’t read, deal breaker. People who interrupt every sentence and don't apologize for it. (I know I interrupt but only if I have something really great to say and then I always apologize.) People who talk about how much money they spent on their super awesome car, deal breaker. Besides, if a guy talks about what an awe-inspiring car he has, that usually means he is over-compensating for his not-so-awe-inspiring penis, which, as I have already mentioned is one of the urban definitions of deal breaker.

Some of my friends told me that swearing is a deal breaker, but I don’t fucking agree with that one. Then there is the vegan thing, the drinking way too much thing and the never having been married when you are over forty thing. Of course, I do know that being a single mother of two children can also be considered a deal breaker but if you don’t like kids then that is a deal breaker for me, so bite me.

First date deal breakers are a ton of fun. It can turn a dinner into a snack in an instant. The “Oh look, my babysitter is texting me” pretense will definitely be invoked. These deal breakers would include mentioning porn on a first date (that’s like a fifth date topic) or masturbation or how many chicks they have banged. Yes, sometimes put as eloquently as that. When men text or talk on the phone whilst in the midst of a conversation with you. Men who laugh patronizingly at you when you offer to pay for dinner. Like it’s “cute” when you offer to pay. I’m not saying I would actually like to pay for dinner but don’t be condescending about it. Don’t patronize in general. It’s not only a deal breaker but it’s rather annoying.

Then, of course there are the subtle deal breakers that come after the first date such as the just-stopped-calling-for-no-reason-guy, the tell-you-what-you-want-to-hear-guy, and of course the I’m-not-really-a-doctor-but-am-ashamed-to-tell-you-I-work-at-Walmart-guy. The first one is a deal breaker even if they call you a month later and apologize. Well, unless they are really, really hot. I mean, like, they totally distract you when they breathe.  Pathetic as it may be, both men and women may let a few deal breakers slide if they kiss exceedingly well or stand next to you and look at you in a way that makes you forget what deal they broke in the first place. See? Pheromones work all by themselves. No cologne necessary.

By the way, I looked up what “Allison” means in The Urban Dictionary and the definition is as follows: “Girls named Allison are so gorgeous the sun could not rise if they did not exist. Men from all over gather just so they can witness an Allison. Not only are girls named Allison beautiful, but they are feisty, charismatic and truly one of a kind. They will give you the shirt off their back, but do not dare cross them because they can and will be your worst enemy.”

Seriously, The Oxford English Dictionary couldn’t have said it better.